Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize