this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Randomize
