I am in a vortex of obligation.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
You were passed out by the toliet and when i said i had to pee you told me to piss in the sink. Never has a girl with alcohol poisoning been so rude.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
If you keep giving me that glorious dick ill bake you some cookies
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
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