I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Thanks for the pic It's going to be lovely dealing with my boner while I'm in a meeting with your father.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
