I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I figured it out. If I have at least 4 shots of vodka before I start my day, EVERY day will be a good day.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
