upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
This Alex the guy who suck your belly ring
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Guy just rode past on a lowrider bike smoking a blunt, I want his life
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