remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
