My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
is not sure whether or not everyone at the club last night calling me a-easy is a good thing?
At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
So my class is approximately two vomits from the bus stop. Happy first day of class
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
