Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Randomize
