I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
