Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
