I have to tell you about my conversation with the cloud dragon!
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
