just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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