tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
