dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Ramen noodles and uncensored jerry springer episodes, what a nice life i have.
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Yeah even if I got stabbed it would be worth it
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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