i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
he came over last night and we fucked with the great british baking show on in the background. it was beautiful
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
