Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
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