Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
He took getting"shit in your neighbors hot tub drunk" way to literally
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
