someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I think I've forgotten how to blink. Help plz?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
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