One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Only real friends lend their restraints to engagedfriends to fool around with married strangers.
I am naked, and drinking straight gin with a flat tonic chaser. I had such greater hopes for myself as a child.
yea...tonic water is fucking gross.
We've been taking shots, cranking Marilyn Manson, and eating your bacon. Your kid is probably ruined.
Randomize
