you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
we decided to do a scavenge hunt for ourself for when we walked back to our apartments. We hid taco bell behind some bushes. I think they are still good.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
How do you clean puke off a stuffed bear?
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Crying while I'm pooping. I think this is rock bottom
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
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