And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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