So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
