I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize
