I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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