when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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