I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
are you wasted or are you getting laid?
ebdebdebdebd
wow
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I think the world is coming to an end. Earthquakes, huricanes, floods, and now you say you LOVE him. Im building a shelter and going into hiding.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
Randomize
