If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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