A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
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