My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Dude, she looked like the Canadian Slam Poet, neck hair and all.
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Randomize