Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
