you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
I'm totally gay for Miss Californiaaaaaa
oh sweet, sweet irony
Just watched a porn with the dvd commentary on i think i need to re-evaluate my life
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
