There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
Randomize