now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
woke up to find i out made out with his roommate before hooking up with him. breakfast was awkward to say the least
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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