Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
We can get Dustin to help us. I think he'd be good at luring girls into a dark alley.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
He's coming over again? GIRL, you're thoroughly enjoying the month of Dicktember.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
