just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
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