he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
Randomize
