White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
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