need another drink. this is the easiest way
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
i mean i'm drinking free wine with lesbians and listening to sinead oconnor so i'm not sure who won that breakup
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
don't judge my taste in strippers
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
