I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize