Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
I mean it's a good blow job, but it's not worth the four hour round trip.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
Randomize
