Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
ignore voicemail. the cock hath been unblocked.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
i'm in the guys across the halls apartment. i think 7 MIP guy wants me. he just got a medical marijuana card. might be worth it.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
Some guy in the bathroom just took his shirt off and proceeded to tell me the story behind all of his stab wounds. That's what I get for making small talk
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
Never in my life did I expect to see Eric's mom in a cheerleader outfit along with other women
Randomize
