Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
I'm like, not good at living.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
