end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize