woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
