Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
Randomize
