When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
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