I am far too drunk to be making a tuna melt . There's blood EVERYWHERE.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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