Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
i was born a porn star she said
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize