If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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