I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
