why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
All I remember is apologizing to his sister for being a bad influence while I was throwing up into a big gulp cup.
juast therw a cheeeeesestirng over the fnce. stuckit to sombodys car winheild... gonna luagh if i find it mlted in the mrning.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
This dude has batman tighty whities on over his cargo pants and he has the nerve to yell "fuck you bitch" up at my window.
Great. I broke up with him before he could like my selfie, now I'm down a like.
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
