Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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