based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
even my farts smell like vagina
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
It's shark week go big or go home
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
