Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
