I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
I dont think ive ever had a drunk day betray me so hard before
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Randomize
