This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
