I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard
At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
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