I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
Say whatever you bloody well like; you don't know the true meaning of life until you have smoked to a Sade cd.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
Randomize
