Dude there are two smokin hot chicks laying outside my apartment...I almost want to tell them theyre laying where I threw up last night
U should. Its a good ice breaker
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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