so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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