I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
He stopped in the middle of us having sex and asked "is today Monday?" then went even faster
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
well at least you didn't have your nipples chewed last night
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Randomize
